“JUST STOP... (sigh) STOP!!!”
“I DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT ANOTHER ANSWER!!!
The sound of my hollering voice made my head thump and caused the driver in the neighboring car to cautiously turn and look at me. I was so sick and tired of asking myself question after question...
“What can make me laugh so hard that a little bit of pee squirts out?”
“How long will I feel like I am empty as if living in Lo-Debar?”
“When are my thoughts free enough to make me smile out of the blue?”
“Why do my taste buds desire sweet buttery nutty-flavored ice cream?”
But I was more sick and tired of being a wandering ball of tumbleweed, aimlessly looking for “something” that I only had enough insight to name “the missing pieces.” I knew I was engrafted with the ability to discover and explore my capabilities, so not locating the nagging tug on the inside of my chest was diminishing. The unnerving realization that I did not own an answer to the self-imposed question, “What makes me ME?” had my head and heart slowly sinking down into my own blackened abyss.
I woke up one morning DEAD, but I could not remember when I died, or the last time lived. I watched myself move through my daily routine smiling at the right time and laughing on cue. I noticed that no one saw the ache I had been wearing on my face for years, and that angered me to disgust, so much so that I began shaking myself, getting mad at myself for forgetting myself, yelling and screaming at myself to fight to live for myself.
My mind drifted back to the memory of the day I felt unconditional love for the first time. I was around ten years old and was completely caught off guard by the calm radiating from my heart up to my head and down to my fingertips and toes. It was the day God hugged me. I did not know what to do with myself, so I did the only thing that felt right to me and hugged God back.
Like the spread of a freshly cracked egg in a frying pan, the understanding that God’s love would teach me how to love me spread through my whole body.
This long-forgotten memory shoved me into a position to come face-to-fear with savage memories and inflamed images. My healed scars became evidence of my victory. The ache I wore on my face fell off because my Spiritual connection with my Heavenly Father was tangible again. I was fueled to meditate and eventually I removed the muzzle from my mouth, and I became Emotive. Now, I see without a blur with Laughing eyes. It swung down a wall of titanium as it softened my heart to be Forgiving and prepared my mind to accept forgiveness. It gave me a jolting donkey kick for becoming slack about aiding the needy with my talents and resources to better their circumstances, so I could rediscover the blessing of being charitable. It convinced me to wait for Aromatic relationships, intentionally promoting a winning rapport for everyone in it. It bolstered my waning drive to be fiercely Resolute to remain consistent and harmonious with my renewed self-love posture. More powerful than the Phoenix, I Emerged in balance where Heaven and Earth meet.
My skin gleamed from grey to sunray. My hair no longer sounded crunchy but was delicate as cashmere. My joy bolted through my laughter, and my relationships replicated the attributes of the English Ivy plant.
God's love showed me I was fragmented, not missing pieces, and how to clear some overgrown weeded paths. Self-love sent me on a scavenger hunt to find wholeness spiritually, emotionally, and relationally, and self-care kept me centered to nourish my mind, body, and soul.