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Diamonds are forever

Have you ever asked yourself, what is wrong with me? Why can't I speak up for myself? Why do I feel like I am invisible in a crowded room? Some may say it's low self-esteem; I call it a diamond in the rough. I have become immune to the negative words of others and their actions. Does it hurt? Heck yeah! I often felt there was nothing I could do about it. That feeling of helplessness is the worst ever.

My second marriage was abusive and short, and he argued often. During one of his many fits of rage, my Ex called me the B-word. I looked at him and smiled and, said Thank you so much! I told him, you calling me a B means I am no longer allowing you to walk over me. I felt good standing up for myself, afraid. My charade of marriage ended, and self-doubt began. Little did I know, this was a start of a new beginning.

As I looked in the mirror, I could no longer ignore the state of my mental and physical health. It was Do or Die, literally. The divorce process left me numb. I lost weight and slept even less. I went from a size 8 to a 3. There are days from my past that are still blurry because of the numbness I experienced. My breakthrough came when I permitted myself to grieve the loss of another failed marriage and face all the negativity that went with it. I had counseling for over two years. As I healed, I found myself in a relationship with myself. A new feeling of happiness arose within me. I did not answer anyone, and I did what I wanted when I wanted. I found a place of peace.

With counseling, I learned it was ok to speak up for myself. Gradually, I was not afraid to dream in color. I had a sense of restlessness stirring in me. I used this energy to create my bucket list. I went back to school, earned two master’s degrees, followed by my doctoral degree during the height of the pandemic. Once again, I did it afraid. I became a co-author of two anthologies on Amazon, #1 best-selling list in 2021. Transparency was an important factor as I wrote my chapters. I learned that my stories are not mine to keep, they are to help others. Right now, I feel like a diamond waiting to shine. My faith with constant prayer revealed how strong and resilient I am, and I deserve to be happy. It was and is not an easy journey. Moving forward, I take one day at a time for me! I am thankful to God for every day he wakes me up. I will continue to travel down this golden road to love, peace, and happiness to see what the God Almighty has for me. A place of peace!

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